F*%@ You Awards!

The other day I was rocked with some of the worst news I have heard in a long time. It was the kind of news that you tell someone else and they go "that's it, I thought someone had died..." I go berserker in my head when I hear that. It was shitty news for me, the shittiest. Though while I was riding the piss-and-feces splattered bus down Santa Monica (the 704, if you see me post up and chit-chat and talk shit on the bums), I thought about a dream(s) I used to have. I thought I would share them with you. I remember them to the "t" because I had them over and over again, like my brain was searching with the remote and these were "Wonder Years" reruns. If I were to give these dreams a title it probably "Champion of All: Big or Small"

One dream I saved over twenty people from drowning in a lake. I was hanging with friends on the shore when I noticed someone in a panic out in the open water. I rushed into the water and dragged to shore a nearly drowned little girl. People were going fucking nuts, cheering and yelling, then someone noticed another person drowning so I jumped back into the water. I did this about twenty times. When I was finally finished I looked up and noticed that everybody I that pulled out of the water I had also been hanging out on the shore with. They all had happy faces on. I turned to them and screamed "Why did you keep going in the water!" I was really, really pissed. Moral of this dream is that most people are lemmings and I have the spirit of some super-power-native-american-lifeguard shit.

One of my favorite dreams ever is one I have a feeling a lot of people have had. Its the "award fuck-you dream." Its a classic, if you haven't had this dream you need to take a nap right now, however you will wake up feeling slightly aggressive. In this dream I am standing on this huge stage, someone is handing my a trophy or award (the dream me knows what it is for, but I have never known) that kind of looks like an Oscar or something like that, I know its gold. Anyway, my speech to the audience (teachers, bosses, family members I don't like (that list is fucking long)) went something like this:

(Crowd cheering)

Me: Thank you, thank you, first I want to thank all of you for giving me this great honor. I know that most of you thought I never would do it. You almost made me think I couldn't do it either.

(Crowd laughs)

Me: First of all I would like to address the naysayers in my life, fuck you. Fuck you, because you aren't shit, you think because you can't do something that means I can't do it either. Are you fucking crazy, you are a idiot, you are stupid, you are the fool that fools aspire to be. I have no respect for you. I have no respect for your advice, so shove every word back into your big fucking mouth.

(Crowd applause...)

Me: Second I want to say that even knowing most of you is equal to walking the bottom of the coldest ocean with a gigantic ball and chain attached to my leg. I never asked for your help and I never asked to be put down. People like you make people like me want to live like Jeremiah Johnson (my personal hero), people like me feel pity for people like you. But you are so dumb and that will never change. A lot of things will never change for you. And everything will change for me. I don't mean to rub your face into this pile of shit, but that's exactly what I need to do.

(Crowd applause grows louder)

Me: I see through you as if you were a window, there is nothing that makes you complex, original or even interesting. You are a slice of bread to my philly cheese-steak. You are a broken down Deawoo to my pristine Rolls-Royce. Your swimming pool is murky, dirty and is filled with pollution, my swimming pool is gleaming fresh and clean.

(Crowd stands to their feet, wildly cheering...)

Me: I wish nothing on you but the luck of the Irish. I hope our paths never cross again. I hope you fall into a well and are forced to spend the rest of your life there. When you cry out for help, don't expect anyone to be there. I couldn't change who I was around, so I changed those around me. The new faces in my life are beautiful and true. When I look out into this audience I see faces that a freak show carnival would be ashamed of. I see only the worst in you. I don't believe you have one good bone in your body. I think you wasted your life, you are just like a zombie, you are the walking dead and the only thing I am thinking about is doing whatever I can in my power to make sure I never become one of you. Thank you again for this honor.

(The crowd is clearly exhausted from yelling and cheering so loudly...)

Me: I hope I never see you again.

(The crowd collapses on each other like a roman orgy)

I exit the wing of the stage and fade into the dark.